Parody 13: Resonance (S01E02)
by stewbeef44
Summary: When we left off, Myka Bering and Pete Lattimer had just joined the Warehouse and stopped Lucretia Borgia from retaking Italy. How will they save the world this time, and how will I make fun of it? Find out by reading this story. Be sure to review!
1. Attack of the hippie bank robbers

AT A BANK IN CHICAGO...

Everything was going normally at the bank. Tellers were taking calls, and their bosses were involved in their lives as well, generally ripping people off.

Then, three people in ski masks showed up. People started screaming and panicking, but then they opened their jackets, which were hiding not only tye-dye shirts, but also small, souped up speakers. The robbers turned it on, and everybody's eyes glazed over in a stupefied trance.

The robbers simply walked over to the teller, took her keys, and walked over to the vault. They gathered up the money, and left, saying in thick stoner accents, "Peace out, guys! We love you!"

AT ARTIE'S OFFICE...

Artie was watching a news report of all this. "Goddamn hippie bank robbers. But, it looks like we have a case."


	2. A big, happy, dysfunctional family

"Mom, I'm sorry, but I can't go."

"But I baked german chocolate cake for you!"

"I HATE SUGAR!"

"It's sugar-free, dear..."

Myka's mom had been trying to get her to go to the family reunion they were planning for months now. They had put one on every year for about seven years now, but cancelled it every time because Myka refused to go.

"Mom, I have to go, that's my partner trying to tell me something. Love you, bye."

"INCOMING!" Pete pointed at a speeding football headed straight for Myka.

"What?" It was too late; the football bonked Myka on the head. Getting up, Myka asked, "What is it with men and their balls?"

"Well, speaking of my balls, was that you peeking at me in the shower last night?"

"Um... no?"

"Myka, I don't need two Mrs. Frederics. It's bad enough as it is."

"You just hate not being in control!"

"I hate not being in control of my privacy, if that's what you mean."

Artie showed up, saying, "You have no privacy. We're all a big family here."

"...Really?"

"Absolutely not! Well, it's true you have no privacy, but you know what I mean. Come on in, I'll brief you on the details inside."


	3. Briefing

IN THE LOBBY OF THE WAREHOUSE…

"So what's it gonna be, Artie?"

"You're going to Chicago."

"Please tell me I get to eat at hot dog stands."

"Yes, and you will. I'm not spending Warehouse money on some fancy restaurant."

"Yay! By the way, when will we go to Portland? Seriously, if I go there and eat at their food carts, I may literally wet myself."

"Um… okay. Now, onto less disturbing topics. Yesterday at a bank in Chicago, there was a bank robbery. This video was taped right before the incident."

Artie showed them the video. "I want you to find whatever artifact did this. Now, go!"

As Pete and Myka left, Leena asked, "You know what this is, don't you?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Leena. You know what it is, too. Agent Redgett died that day using isotones. And now, we have an isotone artifact on our hands. Who knows what damage it will do now."

"Did you ever talk to the Warehouse doctor about this?"

"Carol? She ran off with MacPherson."

"I'm not Carol," another voice said. Artie turned around, and in the doorway stood another woman.

"Who… who are you?" Artie stammered. Leena giggled slightly.

"My name is Vanessa Calder. My cover is in the CDC, but I am the new Warehouse doctor. May I take your pulse?"

"Sure." Artie smiled. He didn't remember the last time he had.

"_Bow-chicka-bow-wow…_" a voice sang in Artie's head. Artie shot Leena an amused glare, and smiled pleasantly at Dr. Calder.


	4. Pete is a food fetishist

AT THE RECENTLY ROBBED BANK...

When they arrived, Myka asked for the security tapes while Pete ate his hot dog near the seating area. Myka was just walking back to him when she heard the footsteps of a woman echoing loudly as she approached. Myka walked up to her; she saw the FBI badge on her. Pete saw the pizza she was holding, and he instantly was in love. Whether he was in love with her or with the pizza was unclear. One thing he did know was that he wanted that pizza, and he wanted to have her so he could eat all that seductive sauce, the toppings oh-so-passionately put on top of it, and even the bare crust itself.

"What are you doing at my crime scene?" the woman asked.

"We were following any leads, and we were wondering if you could use our help," Myka replied.

"I don't want it. You two get kicked out of the Secret Service, and now – what the hell? This is MY pizza! It doesn't want you!"

"Yes it does!" Pete yelled. "And I want it! We were made for each other, to die in each other's arms, or for me to die and it having taken the form of a number two well before that!"

"FOOD FETISHIST FIGHT!"

Pete and the pizza-carrying woman exchanged blows for a while. Myka just facepalmed the entire time. After a while, the two agreed to split the pizza, and they also agreed to work together.

After the tapes arrived, Myka called Artie on the Farnsworth for advice on what to do next.


	5. Corporal punishment and computers

When Myka turned on the Farnsworth and called Artie, he seemed disgruntled.

"What?" he answered.

"We have the video, what do we do?"

"Figure it out!"

Myka saw now that he was whipping something with a cat-o'-nine-tails. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to get these damn computers working, that's what! Bad computer, bad computer..."

"Does corporal punishment work on computers?"

"Well, this computer and this cat-o'-nine-tails are both artifacts. This computer belonged to Ada Lovelace, the inventor of the first computer. The cat-o'-nine-tails belonged to Caterina de Erazu, the most badass nun in the history of the Catholic Church."

"The one that ran away from a convent in Spain and became a hitwoman in much of Latin America?"

"Yes, the same. I thought – oh, no..."

"What now?"

"That's the downside of the artifact... the bug."

"Well, fix it!"

"No, an actual bug. A giant moth is now in the CPU; that's where the term 'bug' comes from."

"Kill it, then."

"It can't be. Oh, no... no... yep, it just did."

"Should I ask?"

Artie sighed. "It just flew straight at the security systems of the Warehouse. We're vulnerable. Unless..."

He shut off the Farnsworth. "We're on our own for now, Pete." Myka said.

"Well, good news. I found a cell phone, it might have a recording of whatever affected the people in here."

"That's... actually a good idea! You're smart when you're not thinking about food or sex!"

"Is that a pick-up line I hear?"

"No. Let's try and ask one of the tellers about the sound. Also, let's include... um, what's the pizza lady's name?"

"Agent Belsky."

"Right, let's include her. Come on, let's go."


	6. Groovy tune, man

Agent Belsky and Laura followed the Warehouse agents into a room. "We just have a few questions." Pete said.

"Okay. I really don't remember anything, though."

"We have a sound recording of the incident. We're going to play it, and you just tell us whatever you can, okay?

"Okay."

Myka turned the recorder on. The sound was a set of rapid tones, each coming right after each other. Laura's eyes looked strange for a bit, sort of glazed over. "Have you ever seen a piece of broccoli? I mean, have you really _seen_ one?"

"Yeah, and it doesn't look that good." Pete said. Agent Belsky nodded in agreement, and added, "On a hotness scale of 1 to 10, I'd rate it about a 2."

"No, I'd say a 3."

"Well, maybe a 2 and a half."

"OH, WHY DON'T YOU TWO JUST GET A ROOM AND GET IT OVER WITH!" Myka yelled exasperately.

"Rooms are so capitalist…"

"Okay, I'm turning this off, this lady is too weird for me." Agent Belsky said.

"Irony much?" Myka muttered under her breath.

Laura seemed suddenly alert again. "So, were you going to play something?" she asked.

"No, we just got a lead." Pete said. "We'll let you know if we need anything else."

After Laura had left, Pete took Myka aside. They decided to call Artie.


	7. Prophecy and acid

Artie was about to go into the Warehouse itself when he decided to call Mrs. Frederic. He buzzed her on the Farnsworth. It rang from behind him.

He turned around. Mrs. Frederic was lying in the lobby's hammock that Artie took naps in on breaks. Her trusty male stripper was crouching down under the hammock, expressionless, swinging the hammock back and forth.

"Rock me a bit slower, Sparky, I must speak with Arthur," she said ominously. "Hello, Arthur."

"Could you... you know... try to be less creepy when you arrive?"

"Umm... hmm... no. Now... what is it?"

"I think we may need some help, outside the Regents. Someone has hacked into the Warehouse, and triggered Ada Lovelace's moth to appear. It is eating at vital security systems. We may need the Hammer for this."

Mrs. Frederic fell silent. The look on her face had not shown itself since the Mayan Calendar incident.

"Then... I must inform the Regents. Keep in mind, Arthur, that the Warehouse has always endured. But not all wonder is endless." Her face looked ashen.

Artie paused. "Could you possibly mean that the moth –"

"Yes, the moth will set into motion the prophecy of Alexander the Great... two sisters, one brother... one sister who shall be a Caretaker, the brother, and the sister, the Estranged One, who shall be the bane of us all. And one, the half-brother of all three, who, together with the Caretaker and her brother by blood, will defeat the Estranged One. But one of them will be trapped in the twisted dimension of the Estranged One, unless one finds the way to rewrite fate."

"Mrs. Frederic, are you... on acid?"

"Maybe... or maybe not. You would have to check my room for any paraphernalia to determine that. And if you do that, I will kill you."

"Okay, I won't."

Mrs. Frederic ate some flowers. "These are so awesome... and slightly poisonous. Now, I must go back to my room, which may or may not contain acid. And which has an alarm system on it, so if you break in, I will see you. And I will hunt you down. And I will kill you."

"I really, really, won't break into your room."

"Good."

Artie turned the corner, and went out into the vast expanse of boxes and pure crazy that was the Warehouse.


	8. Isotones

Artie had decided to go back to his office; he wanted to find the one responsible. First, he decided to call the Regents. He was about to buzz Jane, his closest friend within the Regents, when he got a call from Myka.

"Myka, I'm kind of busy –"

"Yeah, so are we, but we haven't found anything. Can you tell us anything about this? We have the recording."

Artie grumbled nonsensically a bit, sighed, and said, "Fine. Play it. Wait... let me get the noise artifact neutralizer headphones." He rummaged around in his oversized black bag he took everywhere. "Also... ah, here, the Wells-Geiger meter. If there is a sound wave with artifact properties, this should detect it."

"Wells?"

"Yes, she and – never mind, haven't I told you enough already? Anyway, go ahead and play it."

Myka played the audio on the recorder. Artie listened to it, and fell silent.

"This... is not good. Stop playing that, now."

"What is it?"

"An isotone," Artie said grimly. "Not just objects belonging to famous people can be artifacts. Some are buildings, like the Warehouse. Some are locations. Some are people, like Paracel... um, never mind. What I'm trying to say is they come in many forms. Even sections of the electromagnetic spectrum can be artifacts, if the brain associates them with certain emotions. Sound waves that are artifacts are called isotones. What makes them especially dangerous is the only way to know their effects is to be affected by them."

"So, we have to be under this isotone's influence?"

"I'm afraid so, if you wish to know what it does. Just be careful; one agent I knew died of an isotone. Or, at least, he probably wished he had. This one may be relatively benign, due to what the videotape shows. But it doesn't show what happened to the victims brain afterward, which is what isotones usually affect."

"Is there another way?"

"Well, you could just sneak in and steal the isotone player. Or destroy it, but that would be against Regent policy."

"That's the second time you've mentioned the 'Regents' since I've worked here. Who are they?"

A cow was in Artie's office. "Can't talk now, bye. I'll call you back." Artie hung up.

Artie turned to the cow. "Jane... we have a problem."


	9. Jane

The cow and Artie stared at each other for about ten seconds after Artie had spoken. Then Artie remembered to pull the thimble off the cow's tail. He did, and the cow transformed into Jane.

"You were saying?"

"Yes, we have a problem... it's the moth. I have a feeling someone hacked into Warehouse systems to trigger the moth."

"Uh... I'm beat. Do you have coffee? I got addicted to it at Comic-Con."

Artie looked confused. "It's the nerd convention held in San Diego. I went as Captain Janeway. Didn't even need to dress up!" Artie still looked confused. Jane sighed. "Oh, what's the point?..."

"I don't think you should have coffee right now, Jane..."

"YES, I SHOULD!"

"All right, all right, I'll get you coffee at Leena's. Now, can you help with tracing the source of the moth? I can't do a trace on it, since the computer is an artifact. You know that bad things can happen when tinkering with artifacts."

"Well, you can't trace the internal workings of an artifact, it's impossible. You can do it through psychic energy, but that would require telepathic powers and aura reading capabilities. I think you know who would be best suited for that task."

"Of course! Leena! I'll go right away."

"Bring the livestock trailer, I'm going too. I _need_ coffee."

"Very well." They hopped in the truck with the trailer and went to Leena's.


	10. Suspect - Isotone Case

"Hey Myka, I have an idea."

"That's not a good sign..."

"Usually not," Pete agreed. "But I'm saying it anyway. I think that isotone actually sounds familiar; my dad listened to it in the car all the time."

"Did it have a certain effect on him?"

"Yes. It helped him to calm down after he got home from work. I'll give Artie another call."

Pete buzzed Artie on the Farnsworth. "Hey, Artie!"

"Why do you people keep calling me? I have important things to do!"

"More important than lecturing us on mundane Warehouse trivia?" Myka asked.

"Probably not... what is it?"

Pete told Artie what he had told Myka. "Did you know who recorded the isotone?" Artie asked.

"I think it was Eric Marsden."

"Well, look him up and go to his house! I don't have any time to babysit you right now! Go!"


	11. Eric Marsden

Pete and Myka parked near the home of Eric Marsden. As they were walking up, they noticed that the house and the surrounding neighborhood was falling apart. Broken bottles were everywhere, dumpsters were overfilled, and bear feces littered the gutters. As to how bear feces ended up in Chicago, they did not know.

"Looks like someone fell on hard times..."

"Hard enough to rob banks?" Myka replied.

Then they saw two vagrants fighting over a very confused and nervous-looking rat. "This is my rat. It's not yours! I need food!"

"No, it's mine!"

The vagrants fought over the rat for a time, then one of the vagrants killed the other and ate the rat. "I'm sorry, my brother, but I needed food."

"Okay, maybe hard enough to rob banks..." Myka added.

"They walked up to the apartment of Eric Marsden and rang the doorbell. A woman with an overly-stern expression answered. "Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want it. Unless it's cheap rats."

The two Warehouse agents flashed their badges. "We need to speak with Eric Marsden."

"What for?"

"Suspicion of bank robbery."

"You gotta be kidding me..."

Pete and Myka entered the house. Eric Marsden was sitting in a chair twiddling his thumbs, a depressed look on his face. He looked like he would not even be capable of leaving his home, let alone robbing a bank.

"So, can we talk to him? I mean, can he talk to us?" Pete asked.

"Well, he has bipolar, Asperger's, OCD, is clinically depressed, has Alzheimer's, and last week he was diagnosed with liver cancer, but sure, go ahead!" Her voiced dripped of sarcasm. "You talk to him," she said to Myka.

Myka walked over to Eric. "Hi, I'm Myka. This is my friend, Pete." Eric didn't say anything. "We're looking into something that we think a piece of music that you wrote may have something to do with."

"You have a beautiful voice."

"Someone once told me I have the voice of a barmaid." Pete looked at her sadly, he had a vibe about who that person was.

"He doesn't hear you," Eric replied.

At that point, Pete played the piano in the room. It was the piano version of the isotone they had recorded.

Eric broke into a smile. When Pete stopped playing, he asked Myka, "Did you see it?"

"What?"

"Everything... everything that matters..."

"Did you write that piece of music, Eric?"

"I want my rat and cheese sandwich now!" he yelled.

The woman who answered the door said, "I think that's enough. Eric, come on, I'm making it now." She turned to Pete and Myka. "I'll talk to you when I've finished making it."


	12. The best sandwich ever

As it turned out, she did not have any rat for the rat-and-cheese sandwich, so she used turkey instead. When it was done, it looked quite appetizing. Pete asked, "How did you make that?"

"Well, I just cut the meat into medallions, and poached it in apple juice with scalloped peaches and diced jalapeño peppers. Then I put it on buttered bread, butter side down, and fried the bread until the bread was a golden color on the butter side. I topped the whole thing with Monterey Jack cheese, put it in the broiler until the cheese was melted and bubbling, and topped it off with sliced avocados."

Pete and Myka stared at her. "That sounds amazing!" Myka exclaimed.

"Thanks! I'm sorry, I didn't really introduce myself. My name is Jessilyn. As you can see, I'm Eric's caretaker. When he played music, I backed him up on a lot of his records. I guess this isn't much different."

"Does he have any family?"

"His wife left him about twelve years ago. Since Eric was in such a depression, the daughter was in her care. She's old enough to visit him now, but Eric is usually catatonic around her. The only thing that can cheer him up is that piece of music you played for him. Thank you for playing it, by the way. It's nice to see him in a good mood, even for just a few moments."

"So, do you have any idea who may know more?"

Jessilyn paused. "Ever heard of Jeff Canning?"

"Windy Lake Records?"

"Yep, that's the company he owns. Eric lost his rights to his music in a terrible deal with them, and he's never been the same after that. If you're looking for a criminal, talk to Mr. Canning. Is that it?"

"Yes, I think so. Thank you for your time." Myka and Pete left, and headed towards the car.


	13. Family issues (Myka)

"Pete, this case is bugging me. I don't know if I can do this." Myka said as she and Pete were approaching the car.

"Why?"

"Because we'll have to take something away from someone who actually needs it. He does have liver cancer... couldn't we wait until Eric passes, then retrieve the record?"

"Well, sometimes we have to do things that are difficult in our jobs. We'll find a way to make it right, though."

"I hope so."

"So was that your dad who said you sounded like a barmaid?"

"Look, my family's having a reunion, and I don't want to go."

"Why not?"

"Because of my dad. Some dads are good ones, like I'm sure yours was. I wasn't so lucky. He was always the tough one; he yelled at us, never said that he loved us. I'm sure there are worse ones, but I can't approach him. So please, just drop it. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Okay. Let's pay a visit to Mr. Canning, shall we?"


	14. Family issues (Leena)

AT LEENA'S BED AND BREAKFAST...

Leena was not in a good mood. This was mostly due to her sister, Wendy, visiting. Wendy had a nice life, similar to one that Leena had enjoyed a long time ago. She was the head chef of a restaurant in Manchester, England. This was Leena's dream job. She was going to fill that same position in that restaurant, but then Mrs. Frederic and her creepy stare showed up, and she decided to work at the B&B. Leena often wondered what it would be if she hadn't owned the bed and breakfast. Now she knew.

On top of that, Wendy showed up with a new boyfriend. It was Leena's ex-boyfriend. So she had a reason to be more than a bit grumpy when Artie and Jane entered the B&B.

"What do you want?"

"Well, we need you to go to the Solarium with us and look into the source of a possible breach into Ada Lovelace's computer."

"And I need coffee..." Jane mumbled.

"Make it yourself; I need a break from the B&B."

"Um, okay. Hope you feel better soon."


	15. Suspect - Hacker Case

Once at the Warehouse, Artie and Leena brought the computer into the Solarium. "Okay, let me just stand in the center..."

She stepped into the circle, which glowed. Symbols made of blue flame dashed around her, hovering around different runes on the floor. Finally, one of the blue flames lit a rune. She turned to look at it.

"Great, just what we need more of around here," she said sarcastically.

"What?"

"The computer was created out of jealousy, so the moth was probably triggered out of a highly jealous person."

Artie thought for a moment. "I knew it. Daniel Dickinson."

"Who's that?"

"Pete and Myka's ex-boss. He seems jealous because they were his two best agents. If I'm right – and I am – he triggered the moth."

"How sure are you?"

"It's a 98.32878328538785384334% probability. I rounded it."

"You made that number up, didn't you?

"Well, yes. But I am sure of it."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to stop him." Artie packed his briefcase, and exited the Warehouse.


	16. Windy Lake Records

AT WINDY LAKE RECORDS HEADQUARTERS...

Pete and Myka sat down on one of the benches in the lobby. It was a long wait, so Pete wasted no time in ogling the woman at the help desk. Myka looked at him disgustedly.

"I can't help it, Myka. To me, every mission where I don't eye-bang at least three women is considered a failure."

The lady at the help desk, Stephanie, flirted back with Pete. But it was ruined to Pete when she sprayed some atrocious-smelling perfume on her hands. Pete turned to Myka and said, "So... have you got anything planned for tonight?"

"Yes, I'm planning on strangling you if you make another move on me."

Myka immediately regretted that statement. She did have a thing for Pete, ever since he made a principled decision to wear pants in the middle of his first mission with her. But she didn't want to say that either, so she gave him a hug, saying, "Sorry, I didn't mean that. But please don't do that. I just would like us to be friends, at least for now."

"It's okay, Myka. I know what you mean."

Jeff Canning walked out of his office into the lobby. Pete and Myka flashed their badges.

"We have some questions about an artist you represent. Some banks were robbed, and we think something Eric Marsden wrote may have been involved."

"Well, I don't know anything about that, but I do have an offer on the table to buy all his stuff. But, if you want to give more money for it, it's yours."

"Mr. Canning, your lunch date is here."

"Thanks, Stephanie, you can take off." A few moments later, Myka and Pete left as well, with Pete swiping the bear claw off Stephanie's desk.


	17. Terms of enrampagement

IN FRONT OF SECRET SERVICE HQ...

Artie looked up at the massive skyscraper ahead of him. He had been to this place before, but this was a different situation. He had with him his Tesla, his Farnsworth, Manray's Camera, and a ring made from the scales of the longest-living chameleon in recorded history. The Chameleon Scale Ring was one of the only two invisibility artifacts in the Warehouse. The other had mysteriously disappeared.

Usually, Artie would slip past the guards with the Chameleon Ring. But Artie was pissed off, so much that it called for a...

"RAMPAAAAGE!" Artie screamed to no one in particular. One of the guards outside the main door looked at him strangely. He was about to make an arrest when Artie shot him with his Tesla. Artie rushed in the door and up the stairs to Daniel Dickinson's office, taking out any other guards as he went. However, he saw someone he knew patrolling the floor where Dickinson's office was. It was a Regent named Benedict Valda. Although one could very (and I mean _very_) easily tease him about his name sounding like a spinoff of an Eggs Benedict dish, Artie had learned from experience not to do that long ago. Benedict Valda, in short, was most definitely not one to take Artie's rampage well.

He immediately put on the Chameleon Ring. Valda stared in his direction for a bit, then walked away and down the stairs. The door was strangely unlocked. "_This is too easy... but I need to get to that computer,_" he thought. So he went in, closing and locking the door behind him. Afterward, he got to work finding the program that created the virus, and removing it from the computer. After a while of not too much luck, his Farnsworth buzzed. It was Myka.


	18. Why ferrets should never have coffee

A/N: The ferret who wrote this fanfiction drank way too much coffee before he started on this chapter. This may be apparent. The moral of this seems to be to not give coffee to ferrets. So please, if you have a ferret, give it chocolate, not coffee. On second thought, don't do that either, I think that might be poisonous to them. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Artie turned on the Farnsworth, making sure it was set to low volume. Myka appeared onscreen with a maniacal grin on her face, bouncing up and down on her seat.

"Hey Artie, you know how when you're in the shower and you're singing 'Spiral Stairs' by Elf Power, and you sound _spectacular_? But then Pete walks in on you while you're still stark naked, and kinda ruins the moment, so you yell at him, 'Pete, I'm completely naked!' And then he makes some inappropriate remark, and so you –"

"Myka, just... stop talking. And I'm very glad that the answer is no, I have never had anything remotely similar to that happen. What are you talking about?"

"Oh... well, I haven't had that happen either. What was I talking about? Oh, right, the bank robberies. I think I may have found out how the isotone affects people."

"Um... first, Myka... throw away that coffee."

"Fine," she sighed. After throwing it away, she seemed to go back to normal. "Well, the reason I sound spectacular is because –"

"Myka, hold on for a second." Daniel Dickinson had just unlocked the door with his spare key, and walked into his office to see Artie sitting at the desk.

"Say cheese!" Artie said as he took a picture of Dickinson with Manray's Camera, who instantly turned into a cardboard cutout of himself. It started to fall, so Artie propped him up against a door.

"Cheese?" Myka replied. She was now her normal, detail-obsessive, brony-hating self again.

"Never mind that. You were saying, before that Regent gets here again?"

"Why aren't you telling me who the Regents are?"

"Because I'm not."

"Fine, fine. Keep your secrets. When I sing, the sound waves repeatedly resonate against the tile in the shower, that's the reason I don't sound like you do when you sing." Artie looked at her irately. "That's for not telling me who the Regents are. Anyway, those banks... they're all made of materials that sound waves resonate against, which amplifies the waves, making them strong enough to affect people."

"Good work, Myka. I just looked up banks that fit that description. There were two of them found. You two should split up."

"Thanks, Artie. By the way, if you tell Pete about that shower fantasy I told you while I was affected by the caffeine, then I'll quit."

"Alright."

"Thanks, Artie, I'll let you know what I find out."

The Farnsworth call ended. After a few minutes of still not finding what triggered the moth, Artie decided to ask Dickinson himself. He snapped a picture of Daniel again with the camera, who came to life again.

"Who the hell are you?"


	19. Caught!

"Who the hell are you?"

"My name is not important," Artie replied. He drew his Tesla and shot it into the air out the open doorway. "But I believe you know who I represent."

"Thor?"

"Don't flatter me."

"Flash Gordon?"

"Flash Gordon?! Did you just call me Flash Gordon? The lamest superhero in all of recorded –"

"Okay, I guess I take it back, mostly because you're the one with the death ray. But I don't know who you represent."

"Warehouse 13! I got hacked!"

"You got punked! I didn't hack you!"

"Well, the virus scan is all done! Let's see what it came up with! And... hmm. I don't get it, it came up with nothing."

"Probably because I didn't hack you. Whoever did probably used this as a red herring to divert attention from himself. I can take it from here."

"No, I want to take a look, this is my business."

"Okay, but just 30 minutes."

AN HOUR LATER...

Artie was taking the CPU apart. He was too out-of-date with technology to realize that a virus was not typically a tangible part of the computer. "Come on virus, where are you..."

He pulled a wire out of the way, and he got an electric shock. Suddenly, he was going backwards though certain portions of his life. He saw himself going undercover as a professor, meeting a familiar student and his sister, and then when he was recruited. Then, Artie found himself chained in a dark room, with shadows fleeting across the walls. He could hear voices saying, "Cut the tether," and a girl screaming. He woke up, passed out, in Dickinson's office.

"How long was I out?"

"About 10 minutes. I'll fix the computer."

"Fine by me." Artie walked out, closing the door behind him.

"Yeah, you're welcome..."

Artie walked out and saw Benedict Valda waiting for him.

"I believe there is something we need to discuss..." Eggs Benedict Valda (I'm just calling him "Eggs" from now on) said.

"It was a business matter, I –"

"Save it for the rest of the Regents," Eggs spat, "Because we're going to have a talk when Peter and Myka get back." He got in his car and he drove off.


	20. Pastry theft

While Myka was talking to Artie on her caffeine high, Pete was choosing pastries at the counter of the cafe.

"Okay... I think I've decided. I'd like the lemon meringue pie over there."

"I'm sorry, that is for display only. We don't have any left."

"_You bastards!_" Pete thought to himself. "Okay, I'll have a cafe latte, minus the coffee, add orange juice, and add cardamom and caffeine-free coffee."

"Small, medium, or large?"

"Large." Pete knew that it would take a long time to figure out what his order meant, so when nobody was looking, he stealthily crept behind the glass counter and swiped the lemon meringue pie from the display case.

Myka was done talking to Artie by the time Pete got back with his stolen pie and his offensive-looking drink. "Artie came up with two possible banks that could be robbed next. We should split up," she said.

"Okay, I'll call Agent Belsky. Maybe she can stake out one of the banks with me."

"No, please don't..." But it was too late for Myka to intervene; Pete was already on the phone with the FBI agent.

"This is Agent Belsky."

"Hey, we found two banks that we think might be robbed next. Myka's staking out one, I was thinking we should stake out the other."

"Okay... be sure to bring pizza."

Pete got the message. "I will."

The call ended. "Just go. I'll be fine," Myka said exasperatedly to her partner.


	21. Chicago Pastry Police

Pete saw Agent Belsky's car as he walked out of the cafe, stolen pie still in hand.

"Hey, Lattimer! Want a ride?" Belsky smiled mischievously at the Warehouse agent.

"Sure, I just grabbed a pie for us. Sorry, I ate all the pizza."

"Well, we'll have to go get some on our way then... wait, did you steal that delicious-and-strangely-sexy-looking pie from the cafe?"

"Umm, sort of."

"Well, I don't blame you. That is one fine-looking pie. Just don't let the CPP catch you."

"The CPP?"

"Chicago Pastry Police. They can be real assholes sometimes."

"Aw, they can't be that bad. You just have to know how to deal with those guys."

MEANWHILE, AT CPP HEADQUARTERS...

A uniformed CPP officer was in an interrogation room with a suspect.

"So, what are you in here for?"

"Um... I think you told me I stole a cinnamon roll from a bakery?"

"Shut up, I'm the one talking here. Now... tell me how you were able to do it, or I will eat this caramel walnut sticky bun right in front of you. And you won't have _any_ of it. Start talking."

"I didn't do it, I swear! Please, I want some of that sticky bun!"

The officer took a bite of the sticky bun. "You were saying?" the officer replied smoothly, his mouth full of caramelly goodness.

"I – I don't know what you're talking about. Why? WHY?!" he shouted as the officer ate the last of the sticky bun.

"Well, I guess you didn't do it. Get out of here."

The former suspect walked out of the room, sobbing. The receptionist came in. "Officer, sorry to bother you, but we have a pie thief on the loose. You may want to call in reinforcements."

"What's the suspect's name?"

"Agent Peter Lattimer. He was burned by the CIA, so watch out."

"I will."

AT GIORDANO'S, A PIZZA PLACE IN CHICAGO...

"I love this pizza!" Belsky said. "And to be honest, Pete, I think I like you."

"Me too."

Belsky started leaning over to Pete. "The pizza, or me?"

"Both."

"God, that turns me on..."

Pete and Agent Belsky started kissing passionately. They switched to kissing the pizza for a while, then to kissing each other. They repeated this process for about an hour, with other patrons watching the spectacle and wondering what the hell was going on.

At that moment, they heard sirens from outside. Three CPP officers came in.

"Is that..."

"Yep, it's the CPP. We're pretty much screwed."

"Not if I can help it." Pete said. He drew his Tesla, set it to low power, and shot the three CPP officers with small jolts of lightning. They were unconscious.

"And that should do it. Sorry, I didn't get your first name..." Pete then discovered that she had left as soon as the CPP showed up.

At that point, he realized he should probably call Myka to see how she was doing with the other stakeout. He buzzed her on the Farnsworth.

"Pete? I have a suspect, he was one of the robbers I caught. He and his friends were about to rob the bank I staked out."

"Well, you had more luck than me..."

"Let me guess, your 'stakeout' was more of a pizza date."

"Yes, Mrs. Sherlock, it was."

"And you got caught by the CPP, at which point Belsky ran out."

"...Yeah."

Myka grinned inwardly. "Well, Dr. Watson, we have work to do."

"Indeed. Let's get to it."


	22. Effect of the isotone

Myka and Pete decided to wait in the lobby of the other bank that Artie said could be robbed next. As they were waiting, Agent Belsky walked in.

"Pete? I thought you were nabbed by the CPP."

"Well, I always have a few tricks handy. I meant to ask, what is your first name?"

"It's Monique."

"It's a nice name. Sorry I didn't ask you earlier."

Monique smiled awkwardly for a moment, then said, "I have to make a call. Hold on."

Just as soon as she finished her phone call, the robbers walked in, carrying the record player that was playing the isotone at full volume. Everyone in the bank started going insane. Some people were in a daze, some were looking frantically for books to read, and some were in a drunken stupor. Most people in the bank, however, were in a coma.

Myka seemed unaffected, so she called Artie.

"What?!"

"We've been affected by the isotone. I don't feel any different, but Pete and Agent Belsky... well..."

"Well what?"

"They're making out. At least I think they are. Also, many of the other people in the bank seem drugged, and even more are in comas."

"Are you affected?"

"I don't think so."

"Aha! That's it! The isotone makes you believe that you're still in college. The ones who seem drugged probably think they are, Pete and Agent Belsky seem like they may have hit on a lot of people when they were in college, and the people that are in comas never went to college."

"Well that explains my more-than-usual urge to study something. Wait... is that... hold on." Myka saw the robbers nearby. "Hey, guys, anybody interested in a free cell phone?"

"Sure, I love free stuff!" The robbers took the phone.

"Okay, Artie, I gave the cell phone to one of the robbers. You just have to track it now."

"Alright, I will. I just have to finish up something."

He hung up, and turned to Eggs Valda.

"You were meaning to talk with me?"


	23. Retrieval

AT THE HOME OF ERIC MARSDEN...

Five people were gathered in the living room. The robber that Myka had caught earlier was playing the piano. Eric was singing along, a jovial and youthful smile on his face. Stephanie, the assistant from Windy Lake records, was talking solemnly with Jessilyn. A ferret was sitting near the doorway.

"If retrievals could not be heartbreaking... then maybe parodying this show would be easier." the ferret said to himself. "Wait, I have an idea."

Myka and Pete walked in, not noticing the ferret. Jessilyn heard their footsteps, and immediately knew what was happening. She put her hands up. "It was never about the money."

"Where's the record?"

She backed away from the living room. Stephanie was crying, hugging Eric. The man Myka had caught looked at them, but refused to stop playing.

"It was _never_ about the money," Jessilyn repeated. "He lost his music, and his daughter. It was the only way we knew how to get it back. We bought it with money we stole from the banks, posing as an anonymous buyer." Pete and Myka lowered their weapons.

"I can't do this. I just can't. I need to make a call." Myka ran outside, almost in tears.

"Fourteen people were put in comas because of the isotone." Pete said.

Jessilyn paused. "Fine, I'll go to jail."

"We need the record. I'm sorry. He took the isotone player, and left.

"Jessilyn? Stephanie?" the ferret said after Pete had left.

"Oh, what is it now?"

The ferret took out an ancient-looking typewriter. "Just then, Pete came back with a copy of the isotone he had just burned to a CD with his laptop, and gave it to Stephanie so that Eric Marsden could live out his days in peace."

Stephanie looked at the typewriter. As soon as she finished reading it, Pete came in.

"Hey... I burned you a CD of the isotone on my laptop. Just don't rob any banks, or my boss will be pissed. By the way, that is an awesome ferret." He turned and left, only to see Myka on the phone with her dad. He smiled, knowing that everyone had a happy ending.


End file.
